| Date: | 2004-09-25 15:57 |
| Subject: | Grrrr... |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  frustrated | | Music: | My roommate plays the same crap over and over every day. |
Weight lose goes so slow at college...I don't have much time for exercise...'specially not really when my roommate is in the room...she starts asking all weird kinds of questions...or complains that I'm annoying her or that I'm getting in the way. I do go for lots of walks, though...so that's pretty nice. I've been restricting as much as I can, but little things keep coming up. Like I had to go to a professers house for dinner cos he's suppose to meet with each of us on our own...he used to be a counselor so he would have been able to spot signs of ana and I worry. Also, a couple friends that I have made were starting to catch on for a little while, until I just convinced them that I'm not a big eater, or that I eat a lot of peanut butter sandwiches (I have peanut butter and bread in the room, I'll make one every now and then and throw it out in the dumpster outside in a baggy). I've guess I haven't been doing to bad...I'm down to 98 now.
I started Dexitrim Results, because I've heard good things. Today is my first day. I ate a small apple this morning, and then took it...cos you gotta take it with food. No rapid heartbeat...I'm a little fidgety, and my stomache feels sick, like I ate too much. No cravings, though...the thought of food makes me slightly ill.
It's freezing in here...I have on a long sleeve shirt and a sweater and I'm still cold. I know, I know...the UP, it's cold...and cold helps burn at least a few calories...BUT COME ON!! It's cos my roommate is fat that she's so hot...and my desk is right by the window that insists on keeping open. Grrr.
| Date: | 2004-09-13 23:37 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  determined | | Music: | Simon and Garfunkle - America |
So my roommate hasn't said anything...so maybe she didn't see after all and she was sleepwalking?
Anyway, I'm so proud of myself today.
1/4 cup cucumber
1/2 egg white
1/2 cup lettuce
3 cherry tomatoes
That's all I ate today!!
And I drank some green tea and LOTS of water!!
I'm kind of doing the 2-4-6 thing, but not really...I'm pushing myself to go under each, but still do the increase thing so my metabolism stays up!!
PLUS I've lost three and a half pounds since Friday.
So I'm at 100 lbs, with a goal of 85 (I'm 4'11)
I'll post some pictures once I'm closer to my goal...I'm still fat and disgusting right now.
| Date: | 2004-09-13 02:56 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  nervous | | Music: | Eels - Elizabeth on the Bathroom Floor |
Shit, shit, SHIT!!
I think my roommate just caught me on a pro ana site...I thought she was asleep!!
Damnit.
So I'm up at school, and I'm back on track after being miserable all summer long...
Not totally miserable, on August 1st I met the best man in the world!!
I love Joshua so much.
But I'm back on the ana track now, and I won't let myself fall off until I reach my goal.
So far I think I'm doing pretty well, all salad and diet sodas for the past week just to get back into the swing of things, today all I've had was:
Diet Root Beer
Water
Black coffee with this yummy white chocolate syrup that is soo great because it's sugar free and ZERO calories!!
I've been going out for walks every hour, I've been exercising...I'm doing so well, I'm so proud!!
I even cleaned up the dorm a little bit today since my roommate is gone for the weekend. She'll be so surprised when she gets back.
Wish me luck, and stay empty.
I was right about G not loving me...he's back with the bitch. He has been for at least a month...I was just blind and niave. I didn't want to admit it to myself I suppose.
I can't believe he would act like he cared...saying all those things.
He would say how much he liked me, I would say that he liked having sex with me and that there was a difference...he would deny it, he would say it was more than just sex.
He would tell me I was beautiful.
He would tell me how he wanted to still see me even when I go off to college, that we'd make it work.
He led me on...all that time, just the other night...he led me on.
I haven't been able to fast for almost two weeks, my sister has been visiting from Boston and she watches me like a hawk, waiting for me to screw up to prove that she's the perfect one...after all.
She leaves tonight, and tomorrow I fast for as long as I can handle. I MUST be at my goal wait before I leave for school.
I just want perfection. I just want love. I just want something good.
I don't know how much hurt I can take...
| Date: | 2004-06-15 22:42 |
| Subject: | THis can't be normal... |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  worried | | Music: | Sinatra to calm my nerves... |
Why does it freak me out so much that Mary Anne has this boyfriend now? Why does it feel like he's going to take her away from me, and ten I'll be without my bestfriend...?
| Date: | 2004-06-15 13:49 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  flirty | | Music: | But Hole Surfers |
So I indulged a little much...I'm back on track, now.
As of 6 pm last night, I am fasting for as long as I can. Nothing but water, green tea, black coffee and cigarettes for me.
G be damned...he doesn't love me, so why shouldn't I have my fun?
I think my whole love for him is slowly fading away to pure lust now, anyway.
Yes, I am definetly back on track in all other areas of my life. One lover? What the hell was I thinking? Three has always been my lucky number...
So it turns out there was no hot woman...G was just trying to make me jealus.
It worked.
He felt bad about it after, and I told him how much I hate games like that, and he understood.
Why do guys play games like that anyway? It's so childish.
BUT ON TO THE GOOD NEWS!!
I thought I did so bad because I binged Friday, and then on Saturday I started to fast, but G made me eat when we went out (he worries). All I had was a little bit of salad, though, and a TINY piece of the chicken that made it a chicken ceaser salad. I ordered it with no crutons or dressing, though. So I guess I really did do better than I thought.
Then on Sunday I was doing well, but my mom made steak and she kept saying, "You gotta eat, hun." So I ate a little bit of the steak and some salad. And yesterday I ate nothing at all but lots of water and cigarettes.
So TODAY I went to weigh myself (because I haven't since Friday) and I'm down to 95!!
Oh, and YESTERDAY Rust and I decided to go to the beach. So we hopped in Corne (we named her car) and drove. I got a sunburn, but I felt so lightheaded and sleepy (and not at all hungry) after sitting in the sun chain smoking all day, I loved it.
AND I was walking (and just wearing a halter top and jeans), and there were these not-so-bad looking guys playing frisbee, and the one tossed it to me, so I caught it and threw it back.
I said to him, "I like your tattoo."
Cos he had this boss trible dragon tattoo down his back.
So he asked me if I had any, so I pulled down my halter a bit in the back and I told him about it.
And he said, "That's such a great way to remember your dad."
And THEN he said, "You're so tiny, you could fit in my pocket."
Then he was asking if I'm a model, and I said, "No, no...I'm way to short, besides."
And he said, "It shouldn't matter, you have a gorgeous body, and you're really pretty...I would take you over half those amazons they call women."
I was very flattered, but when he tried to give me his phone number, I declined. I told him that I have a man in my life.
I love G...I just wish I knew that he loved me back.
Being told that some woman (not a model, or an actress, but a REAL LIFE WOMAN mind you) is "hotttt" by the guy you love...it sucks.
Well...at least I'm no longer hungry.
| Date: | 2004-06-05 23:58 |
| Subject: | |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  loved | | Music: | The Cure- Just Like Heaven |
Sometimes I think that maybe G does love me...maybe we're noth too scared and messed up to say it first.
I gotta tell you, he has the most amazing voice...dancing in the graveyard while he sings softly to me.
I thought that no song by The Cure could ever be made better...I was wrong.
| Date: | 2004-06-04 14:16 |
| Subject: | Grrr... |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: | frustrated | | Music: | Our Lady Peace |
I thought I did so well yesterday...I didn't eat all day long, I exercised (I'm always a little lazy with exercise), and when I went out to dinner with some friends (I had no real choice about it) I got a carb-wise wrap. The menu said that it only had about 375 calories, and I ordered it without the dressing, and then only ate half.
So this morning I went to weigh myself, and I'm still at 98 lbs.
Of course, this was AFTER I had some chicken broth (15 calories) because my stomache was growling so bad...
No more today. I guess I'll just make myself some green tea.
| Date: | 2004-06-03 13:29 |
| Subject: | A little about I |
| Security: | Public |
| Mood: |  hungry | | Music: | A CD G made me of his band. |
I'm sorry that this will be a longer entry, but I wanted you to be able to get to know me a bit.
I am 18 years old, I just graduated high school, and I'll me going to Northern Michigan University in the fall to study Writing/English.
Ana began for me when I was about 12. I've never liked myself, and I've been a self-injurer since as long as I can remember.
Stats:
Height: 4'11
Current Weight: 98 lbs.
Highest Weight: 105 lbs.
Lowest Weight: 78 lbs.
Goal Weight: About 80-85 lbs. It's not exactly a set weight I have in mind, but rather a LOOK...and I guess I'll know when I get there.
Other than all that, I have real pale skin, green eyes (that everyone always says are the closet to cat's eyes they've ever seen), and I'm not realy sure what my hair color is...I've dyed it so many times. Right now it's kind of brown with a slight hint of red I can't seem to get out, and it's cut kind of short and shaggy.
I didn't put my screen name in my INFO because I didn't want my friends to stumble upon this and freak (because they wouldn't really understand), but if you'd like to be buddies YAY!! I'm all for it. Just post your screen name in my comments, or e-mail me.
I've seen it where other people put this in their journals, and I think it would make for a good first entry, so here it goes:
100 Things You Probably Never Needed To Know About Me!!
1. I am a bipolor, but I'm pretty alright on my meds.
2. I have my dad's signature tattooes across my back.
3. He commited suicide in October.
4. Exactly eleven months after my friend.
5. I have been in the Mental Hospital two times (once for ana a couple years back, and I was there for three and a half months, the second because I cut my arm and burned it really bad after my dad died).
6. I got in trouble for kissing a boy the second time.
7. I very nearly fell in love with him until I found out that he has a kid.
8. I still miss him dearly, though.
9. I was engaged when I was 16 to a boy that I had been dating on and off since I was 13, but we broke up when I was 17 because he said mean things about my friend after he died (see #4).
10. I do GREAT piercings.
11. I want to be a poet.
12. I am in love with a man we will call G, but I won't tell him because I don't think he loves me back.
13. And I stole him from a friend, so I screwed up THAT friendship.
14. And when it's over, I'll have lost two.
15. I have a scar on my forhead slamming a car door on my on face about a month ago.
16. And then G took me into the bathroom to clean it up, and make sure I was alright.
17. Which was right before we made love for the first time.
18. I went to prom with a boy a hate.
19. And the zipper on my dress broke, so I had to be sewn into it like Marilyn Monroe.
20. And I never felt fatter (even thought that's not WHY the zipper broke).
21. I'm really into old, hardcore punk.
22. But my favorite band is still Our Lady Peace.
23. And my favorite song is 4 am (by OLP).
24. G had lyrics from that song in his away message the other night (We're all dumb and jaded, and I hope to God I figure out what's wrong).
25. Which made me cry because I loved him all the more for it.
26. I'm Canadian.
27. But I secretly want to be Russian.
28. I love ugly plaid.
29. And knock-off purses from China Town, New York.
30. I'm a huge fan of the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
31. And I've gone to see it in theaters 5 times.
32. And dressed like Columbia everytime.
33. Because people say that I remind them of her.
34. And my mom likes to dress up like Janet before she went all sleezy-slutty.
35. Which is funny, because now my mom is sleezy-slutty.
36. Cos she's screwing a guy that's half her age.
37. And I want to set him on fire.
38. My favorite book is The Catcher and the Rye.
39. My favorite film is Nosferatu.
40. And I bootlegged The Passion of the Christ.
41. Even though I'm Buddhist.
42. I believe that elephant statues bring good luck.
43. But I don't like the Republican party.
44. I swear my friend Jeff is a closeted Communist.
45. I sleep with a sock monkey.
46. His name is Butt Kiss.
47. Because it looks like he has a mouth on his butt.
48. And my best friend made him for me to cheer me up.
49. My grandmother was Jewish.
50. But I once dated a Neo-Nazi.
51. I wanted to love him because his name is Art.
52. But we just couldn't get along.
53. I love Dep Hair Gel.
54. And Hair Wear Pomade.
55. I refuse to use Bed Head products.
56. Because they're so damn expensive.
57. But their products have kind of cool names.
58. I inherited a 1957 Chevy Bel-Air Coup from my dad.
59. It's two-toned: red with a white hard top.
60. But I can't drive stick.
61. Or at all, really.
62. My first concert was Metalica.
63. I was eight years old.
64. I went with my oldest sister.
65. At one point, I had my eyebrow pierced (but it ripped out taking off a hoodie), my nose pierced (but I took it out for my mom), my lip pierced (same), my nipples pierced (but they hurt too bad), and my navel pierced (but I didn't really like it, I only pierced it cos I was bored).
66. I did them all myself.
67. G is the only person I know that looks good with a barcode tattooed on his wrist.
68. Because it's so cliche.
69. I'm great at this (I hope you get the joke).
70. The only food I really love are apples and sushi.
71. I allow myself sushi once a week.
72. Because my dad got me hooked.
73. And hot, green wasabi.
74. I chain-smoke real bad.
75. Menthol cigarettes make me ill, though.
76. So I won't smoke 'em even if I'm really twitching for one.
77. I once worked as a telemarketer.
78. I got fired when some guy was being a real jerk to me one day.
79. So I said, "I don't come to where you work and smack the dick out your mouth, sir, I'd appreciate it if you were a bit nicer."
80. And my supervisor heard.
81. That bitch never liked me.
82. I also worked at a hardware store.
83. And on my last night there, some creepy old guy offered me $100 for my panties.
84. So I went into the bathroom, slipped out of them, and left $100 dollors richer.
85. I wonder if he expected a Misfits thong?
86. My last job was at Wendy's (of all places!).
87. Which was the greatest thinspiration EVER!
88. Never, NEVER eat the chili.
89. I'm currently unemployed.
90. But I collect social security from my dad.
91. And government pension.
92. But I still wish he were here instead.
93. My favorite color is green.
94. And I don't really like purpal.
95. Or blue.
96. My room is painted blue.
97. And the carpet is blue.
98. It wasn't my choice.
99. My other favorite band is Sublime.
100. And I love The Cure.
Well, I guess that's really it. Sorry to bore you, but I needed a distraction from the hunger.
Stay empty, my beauties.
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